Good, Bad, and Ugly

 

Dont chase people, be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people -the ones who really belong in your life .. Will come to you. And stay. LY

Days like today…or should I say weeks like the past few, are so hard. Sydney’s terrible two’s have OFFICIALLY hit. She can be an absolute disaster, and I do not know when it is going to hit. I can not plan my life around her fits, because they come sporadically. I just never know what is going to set her off. Example: We went to the library today. They have a toddler time, and the girls LOVE it. It is so nice going, because I know I will be able to relax for a sec, and just hang out with my girls. Well today  I got Sydney, and Sadie unbuckled. I then went around and opened the door to get them out. Well apparently Sydney did not want this. She wanted to push the door open. So I cracked the door so she could push it open. This still did not satisfy her. So after a few minutes of Sydney Screaming, I was at  my at my boiling point, I said enough. I took Sydney out of the car and led her to the library. All the way she was crying. At this point I was just praying story time would help this tantrum. We walked into story time, went and sat on the carpet. Sydney would not leave my lap, and cried the entire 5 mins we were in there. Not just the quiet cry, the 2 yr old scream cry. I did not want to ruin story time for the other kids. So I picked up Sydney, and grabbed Sadie’s hand. This would have gone really smoothly except for the fact that Sadie fell down, and started balling. So in the middle of everyone I am trying to juggle lifting up two crying kids.(it would have been 2 crying kids, and 1 adult, but I held it in) We thankfully made it out, and to the car. As I sat my head on the steering wheel the pressure of life hit me. Life can be so hard, and I am finding especially being a mom. Seriously it weighs so heavy on my chest. I feel as though I am trying and trying to do things right, with no acceptance. I am constantly bombarded with opinions, and facts. When I sit down and think of all the things I am requested/pressured into doing, it honestly gets hard to breath. I think I am at a major learning point in my life. I have always been a people pleaser. I love to have people be proud of me. I am starting to realize I cannot do this with motherhood.  EvERYONE has so many requests, and views. I am guilty of trying to “keep up with the jone’s”.  This is not me, and I have tried for so long to be this. I think because I am trying so hard,  I find myself becoming  so frustrated and hold it all inside.  I start to hold resentment towards those around me who are perfectionist, or high maintenance. If this is who they are then so be it. If I hold it against them I am a hypocrite. I need to willingly accept the fact that those are not my characteristics. I am far from a perfectionist, and I am very low maintenance. I love having fun, and goofing off with my kids. I am not afraid to get my hands dirty, I am not afraid of a messy house. At the same time this does not mean I am a slob, or that I don’t like cute things, or to make things look nice. It just is not my livelihood. The reason  I live is for my husband, and my kids, and my family. Those things make me smile, and make my life.. All of the relationships in this time of my life have dramatically changed. Maybe this is the root of all this pressure. I have gotten closer to some, and to others I have had to step back. I am a very easy going person, and I always want to be friendly and approachable. It is not my goal to be “the cutest”, or have my kids be “the cutest”. I do not ever want to boast so much about my kids, or my life that it makes others feel bad. I want to surround myself with people who are encouraging and uplifting. I do not want to center my life around having the nicest things. I do not want to be completely unfortunate, but I just want to have fun. I want to be able to play with my kids, and have them get dirty. Without the people in my life judging my character, or my ability as a mom.  I want to be real, really MYSELF!! So here it goes true through, and through this is me!