@import url(http://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Sue+Ellen+Francisco); We'll look back someday, and I'll look at you and say "and I thought I loved you then": 15 weeks and already an angel....

His & Her = two

Thursday, June 28, 2012

15 weeks and already an angel....

*disclosure, this is to tell family what happened. It is detailed and real

June 20,2012- Had a long day, and at the end I had some contractions. I went home, and thought I over did it. I put my feet up, and they stopped

June 25,2012- Felt okay, but had some pretty heavy discharge. I knew that was not right, and decided to go to the doctor first thing in the morning.Went to friends house. Girls were playing with my phone, ended up leaving my phone at friends house

June 26,2012- Went to friend's house to pick up phone. My friend was at work, and her husband was going to give me my phone. The phone he gave me was my phone....but it is a toy phone for the kids. It was no use in calling it due to it having a 15 min battery life, I knew it was dead.
 Due to not having a phone I decided to just go in, and see the doctor. I had a feeling something was not right, and I should be checked out. The lady at the front said to wait until they could get me back. So I did typical mom things. I played with the girls, and sat anxiously waiting to hear everything was okay. I was called back, Dr. Thompson said he would like to do a urine test. He said with urinary track infections contractions and discharge are symptoms. I felt relief. I was so hoping that was the case. The results came back, and everything looked good. The doctor had me lay down, I still had Sydney, and Sadie. They were okay, but Sadie did not like that I was not letting her crawl on the ground. Dr Thompson proceeded to do an ultra sound. Pretty much right away I knew it was not good. Although it took him a second to admit it. I could tell by the way he was searching. Sadie by this point was fussing, and Sydney was running around the room. He said "Amanda I am worried, I am not seeing any heart action". In my head I knew, but my heart had hope that suddenly it would appear. I did not say much the first time. So the second time he said "Amanda serious I do not see anything". I think having the girl's with me was a blessing. It took the severity of the situation, and made it easier. I did not have to fully focus on the fact that my baby was no more. Because the two other were with me, and being crazy kids. I just nodded and said "I knew it". My doctor is so sweet, and immediately jumped into action. He called in his assistant, and had her take the girls. He than told me he would like to have a official ultra sound done. He said he knew of a Dr, that would take me. He than had his nurse call, and arrange for me to come in that afternoon. Doctor Thompson said he was so sorry, and this was really hard. He let me know due to the babies size medicine was not an option. We would have to do a D and C. He said they would most likely do it that day. As we were leaving the sweet girl at the front asked "is everything okay?" This is the first time I lost it. I just said we lost it. The walk to my car was FOREVER! I felt as though everyone was starring at me, and wondering why I was crying. Thankfully Sydney was such a good girl, and went right to the car. I got the girl's in. I wanted to call Jeff, but due to the fact of being  phone-less I had to think of the next best thing. Payphone.....I wondered if those even existed. Thankfully the first gas station I tried had one. I called Jeff, and left a message. I waited, and called again. He answered, and said he had gotten the message. I went into a bit more detail, and let him know I had an appt at 2:10 for a ultra sound. We agreed ed to have me go to Grandma Robert's house, and wait. The problem  was, this was right during the girl's nap time. Grandma Robert's does have a crib, but I did not bring the pack-n-play. We figured we would just work it out. The girl's were hungry, so we went and grabbed lunch. I was amazed at how calm I was. I think just having Sydney, and Sadie to focus on it made it easier to not dwell on the truth. After lunch we went to Grandma Robert's house. It was hard having to actually voice that my baby was gone. I lost it. Thankfully she was so sweet, and just supported me. The girls love being at that house, and they found things to do right away. Jeff's mom called me, and told me she was on here way. I am so lucky to have her. We decided she would come get the girl's and take them back to her place, and they could nap. Jeff came home, and Grandpa Robert's and Jeff gave me a beautiful blessing. I felt calm, and at peace. We headed to the appointment.
Doctor Ott introduced himself, and said he was sorry for the circumstance. Jeff and I were taken in to a ultra sound room. Even though I knew the truth. I had a tiny bit of hope that the heart beat would appear, and it would be just a fluke. Immediately the Dr, and his assistant confirmed my fear, the baby had no heart beat. He went on to say the baby had a tumor/growth on the back of the neck. He said this was a good sign. This meant nothing too unusual happened, and that no matter what the baby passing was inevitable. When the baby was developing this just happened, and because of how small the baby was Dr. Thompson was unable to see it. Dr. Ott said Jeff and I had some options. Due to the size of a baby taking the baby out was obvious, but the choice was how. We could do a D and C, or I could have medicine put into my cervix to have the cervix contract, and deliver the baby. The problem with the D and C was due to the size it was most likely I would have to go in twice to have ( I hate thinking of this) the baby "scraped" out. With the other option I would only have to do it once, but it could be a long procedure. Right away I knew the second option was the right one for me. I wanted to see my babies body, and to know he was...
The Doctor told us we were on a list, and would be called at sometime that evening. As we were walking out I could not help,but to think of all of the people waiting to see there sweet babies. It was a hard reality knowing mine had to return home.

June 27, 2012
we  received the phone call to come in around 11pm. We were blessed to have Jeff's mom there, we were able to leave the girls home sleeping. I was able to pack, and water the plant's before we left. Jeff laughed at me, and told me not to do it, but  I really want tomatoes!! So we headed to the hospital and were greeted by the sweetest nurse. She led me back to this AMAZING room. So I figure the way to get a nice room is to have a complication or be famous. Jeff was way excited he had an actual couch to sleep on. We were as comfortable as we could be.I changed into the lovely hospital gown, and said a quiet good bye to my belly. The nurse started me on an IV with some fluid. She let us know Dr. Ott would be in shortly to start the medicine. Jeff and I were able to sit down, and relax. We discussed a lot of things, and were so blessed for this time. Dr. Ott came in and started the first dose. As I lied back for the medicine to be inserted, I realized I had dirt on my toes!!! Jeff just laughed at me. So much for showering, and trying to get squeaky clean! Dr. Ott said I would get a dose every 6 hours, and for now it was waiting time. So everyone left, and Jeff and I were actually able to sleep. For me it was more dosing. I woke up at 430am and felt the infamous pop. My water broke. I sat and cried. Not really ready for what was to come. I called the nurse, and she came and helped me. I was checked, and not dilated. So she said this was progress, but it could still be a while. I asked if I could get up and got to the bathroom. I did, but as I was standing up I felt pressure. Than I felt something fall out. In my head I thought "that is just a blood clot" but before I wiped I looked. It is a good thing I did. What I saw was a mouth, arms, and legs. I started shouting for Jeff, but thankfully the nurse was still there. She ran in, and immediately started looking in the toilet. I let her know it was still in-between my legs. Sure enough our sweet baby boy was still there, literally holding on by a thread that was the umbilical cord. The nurse walked me to my bed, and called the Dr. I was a little shaken up, but I could not believe how quick it came. The Dr. came and delivered the rest of our baby. He let me know that the placenta unfortunately had not come out. The fear was that it would cling to my uterus wall, and not come on it's on. So they would have to do a D and C. I thought to myself, I am not doing this again. Thankfully they asked if they could start patocin, to have me contract in hopes my placenta would release. So patocin started. The nurse kept asking me if I wanted medicine, but I declined. I wanted to feel everything. I wanted to know he was real. While we waited Jeff and I were left with our son. I got to hold him, and he was so little. His legs were crossed,and his hands were on his face. We could tell right away this was our little man. So if we do not have a boy here on this earth, we know there will be one waiting. The spirit was so sweet, and Jeff  and I just soaked in this moment. Those moments will forever be frozen in my heart. The Dr. came back in and I pushed a few times, and out came the placenta! It was a miracle, an absolute blessing. . Everyone was so respectful, and Jeff and I were able to just soak in this moment.
In the morning Jeff left for work. I decided I still needed some time to recover and deal with this loss before returning home to the girls. So I stayed, slept, and had an oreo shake. Jeff came and got me at 1 pm. This nurse presented us with a box. Inside was a little hat, and an amazing blanket. We got a card that had his birth weight and length. I had a hard time not being able to wrap my baby boy in it. As we left, it was hard. We were leaving with more than we had come with. But not with my little boy.
I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for the peace and love that he has given me. I am thankful for the still small voice, that prompted me to go in. I know My Father in Heaven knows me, and my family. I know he has a plan. I am thankful for the priesthood, and my husband. I could not have done it without Jeff. He is such an amazing man.

My sweet baby boy,
today is a day a special day. You came to me today, though you had to leave. You graced us with your presence. So tiny and pure. The body was made was imperfect unlike you.
You could not dwell so you had to leave. May we meet again in this life or the next, I will tell you just how much we love you. I was blessed to feel you softly flutter. In a way I see that as you message to me...that you were, and now will always be in my heart. Go, and play with your cousins above, and know we are anxiously awaiting our turn. You will always be our little boy

Scott Roberts
June 27,2012
5:00 am
1 ounce

Life will go on, and now I get to deal with all the fun after math of having a baby. It was worth it. We will always celebrate this time. We are so blessed. I cannot imagine having to go through this multiple times. I have 2 beautiful healthy little girl's. Life is good.


  1. Oh Amanda and Jeff...I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried threw this whole post and still weep for you. Amanda, you are so beautiful and strong and brave and I love you so much.

  2. Amanda I love you and your sweet family. You truly are so brave. I'm sorry this happened to you guys. call me as soon as you are ready and let me know what I can do for you.

  3. Lilly and I love you very much Amanda. We are sorry for your loss. You'll be with your little one some day. -Jeff

  4. Oh you guys, this makes me so sad-but I admire your faithfulness and optimism. Please let me know if there's anything we can do for you! We'd be happy to watch those cute, little girls any time.

  5. I was so sad to hear this news. I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. I hope that you know that you are loved and that God has a plan for us all.

  6. Hi Amanda, I don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you. I am glad that you have 2 precious little girls to hold and love and help to remove part of the ache in your heart. He is precious! Thank you for sharing. So thankful Jeff is such a great and wonderful support for you and for all the family you have around you. You are amazing and your words echo that hope all of us have. Thank you! Much Love, Mom

  7. Thank you for sharing this amazing story of your son Scott and his entrance into this world and his return to our Heavenly Father. Scott is truly blessed to have such wonderful parents. And of course, two beautiful sisters. Lots of love, Lee Ann

  8. Oh you guys, I am so so sorry.
    I cried through this entire post. My heart breaks for you!
    It's such an amazing thing to look at him and just know that you
    will be with him again one day. You will have that baby boy!
    I love you so much and have nothing but the upmost respect for
    you guys. You are so strong and so amazing! You're little girls are so
    blessed to have you as parents, as well as this little boy.

    Love you tons!