June 25- I had went to a baby shower, and had caught up with some old friends. The excitement began to hit, that I too, would have a brand new baby to hold. As I drove home that night, something was not right. I knew as I drove up the hill, that our baby had passed on. In the pit of my stomoch was a sad sick feeling. A feeling of calm, but a feeling of loss. How could this be? This was baby number 3. I knew my body was able. As I drove I breathed through contractions, knowing this was off. Although in the bottom of my heart, the sweet spirit spoke. Preparing me for a loss. I got home, and I told Jeff something was not right. We decided I would go to the doctors in the morning.
June 26- In the morning I got ready, and loaded Sydney, and Sadie. Jeff had gone to work. As usual I had misplace my phone. I looked everywhere, but it was gone. Instead of deciding not to go in. I was prompted to go anyway. Praying all the way there a miracle would occur. I went to the Doctors front desk, and I informed them of my situation. Thankfully I had Sydney, and Sadie to help pass the time. Before I knew it I was called back. My doctor assured me things were just fine. To prove he was right, we headed straight for the ultra sound room. The natural man in me played pretend with him, and went along with the "everything is fine", while the sweet gentle spirit gave prepared my soul. I layed down on the table, with Sydney and Sadie playing at my feet. The doctor put the gel on my tummy, but I did not notice the cold. I waited for the glorious sound of a heart beat, moments passed by. It felt like forever, and than it was said. "Amanda there is no heart beat", those words stung, but with my children at my feet, I knew I needed to stay strong. I closed my eyes, and said a quick prayer. I replied "I know". Things after that are all a strange blur.
I was anxious to have this baby, but so sad at the same time. These last few hours would be the last few hours I would get to hold my sweet babe, until resurrection day.
Our sweet little Scott entered this world. As much as I could I prepared for the silence. Although the room was silent. There was a sweet sacred spirit. I know he was there, offering me sweet words. The next few months were hard. We had just moved to a new place. I yearned for my family, or for even a good friend. This path had to walked alone, it was hard, but oh so worth it.
Now it has been 2 years. This day did not go unnoticed, and never ever will. Call me sentimental, or call me petty. Whatever anyone may think. This day changed my life.
Where would you be sweet little boy?
What would you look like?
Would you be Sadies pal, or Sydneys protector?
Would you have my eyes?
Time does not erase the pain, but it gives us perspective. I am blessed to have had a loss. Blessed to have a Angel of my very own.
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