Squeaks is 1

Sweet Darlin

This year time has been on pause. Yes, every moment was lived, every breath was taken, but a sweetness came about. So sweet that time stood still, for an entire year! Than BAM wake up, a year has already come and gone. Scarlett is so very precious in each and every way. This pregnancy was cherished. Each moment I was greatful for. I loved to hear her heart beat, and learn she was growing strong. Having expirenced a loss so recent, I knew what a miracle this was. Sweet little girl, has stolen my heart. I may be creating a monster, but we will see. Scarlett has me wrapped around her finger. Her birth was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been a part of. This little girl, has been was worst sleeper. I use to think I would never have a baby who did not sleep through the night. My awakening came, and I began to realize just how much I loved sleep. Scarlett has always had such a personality. She knows what she likes, and is not afraid to let you know. In her first year she learned to breath, she learned to nurse, she learned to roll over, she learned to scoot, she learned to say mama first, she learned to say dada second, she learned to crawl, and she learned to walk. Wow that is a pretty accomplished first year if I do say so myself.
Scarlett, you are the light of my life. You bring me so much joy. I love your huge eyes, and the way you always squeal. I love that you smile not just with your mouth, but your whole face. The way you breath sounds like darth vador, but I think it is too cute. I love the way you smell. I love that you have curly hair. I love that you look like me. I love that you love me. I needed you to be my girl, and you have been. You are tiny, but love to nurse. You love your sisters... more Syd than Sadie at this point, but you two are getting closer. Sadie is finally learning not to push you over for fun. Your Dad thinks you are pretty great, and is super jealous of the way you love me! As I look back at the last year, I am grateful I took it slow. I may not have document every single thing, but as long as you know you were/are loved is all that mattered. You are so precious, and we are so blessed to have you as a part of our family. 

1 year pics on the way

June 27 2012

June 13- I had just run a race. This was not just a race, this is where we planned to announce we were expecting

By the 3 dare I say we got a head of ourselves. Did we speak too soon?  

June 25- I had went to a baby shower, and had caught up with some old friends. The excitement began to hit, that I too, would have a brand new baby to hold. As I drove home that night, something was not right. I knew as I drove up the hill, that our baby had passed on. In the pit of my stomoch was a sad sick feeling. A feeling of calm, but a feeling of loss. How could this be? This was baby number 3. I knew my body was able. As I drove I breathed through contractions, knowing this was off. Although in the bottom of my heart, the sweet spirit spoke. Preparing me for a loss. I got home, and I told Jeff something was not right. We decided I would go to the doctors in the morning. 
June 26- In the morning I got ready, and loaded Sydney, and Sadie. Jeff had gone to work. As usual I had misplace my phone. I looked everywhere, but it was gone. Instead of deciding not to go in. I was prompted to go anyway. Praying all the way there a miracle would occur. I went to the Doctors front desk, and I informed them of my situation. Thankfully I had Sydney, and Sadie to help pass the time. Before I knew it I was called back. My doctor assured me things were just fine. To prove he was right, we headed straight for the ultra sound room. The natural man in me played pretend with him, and went along with the "everything is fine", while the sweet gentle spirit gave prepared my soul. I layed down on the table, with Sydney and Sadie playing at my feet. The doctor put the gel on my tummy, but I did not notice the cold. I waited for the glorious sound of a heart beat, moments passed by. It felt like forever, and than it was said. "Amanda there is no heart beat", those words stung, but with my children at my feet, I knew I needed to stay strong. I closed my eyes, and said a quick prayer. I replied "I know". Things after that are all a strange blur. 
I was anxious to have this baby, but so sad at the same time. These last few hours would be the last few hours I would get to hold my sweet babe, until resurrection day.

Our sweet little Scott entered this world. As much as I could I prepared for the silence. Although the room was silent. There was a sweet sacred spirit. I know he was there, offering me sweet words. The next few months were hard. We had just moved to a new place. I yearned for my family, or for even a good friend. This path had to walked alone, it was hard, but oh so worth it. 
Now it has been 2 years. This day did not go unnoticed, and never ever will. Call me sentimental, or call me petty. Whatever anyone may think. This day changed my life. 
Where would you be sweet little boy?
What would you look like?
Would you be Sadies pal, or Sydneys protector?
Would you have my eyes?
Time does not erase the pain, but it gives us perspective. I am blessed to have had a loss. Blessed to have a Angel of my very own.